Recognizing Financial Abuse: How to Protect Yourself and Find Hope

Financial abuse often leaves no visible signs. Recognizing the signs can be the first step toward protecting yourself and finding hope.

Sandhya Gopal, divorce financial planner joined Tony on Get Ready Before Life Happens to explore the warning signs of financial abuse and what women can do to protect themselves during major life transitions.

They discuss how financial control can be subtle and invisible, the importance of access to cash and trusted support, and how small steps and community can help move someone from fear and paralysis toward clarity, confidence, and hope.

Key Takeaways

🔹 Financial abuse is often psychological, subtle, and difficult to recognize.

🔹 Red flags include secrecy, gaslighting, and money moving to untraceable places.

🔹 Emotional paralysis can keep people feeling trapped and powerless.

🔹 Access to cash and a trusted confidante are critical first steps to leaving an abusive relationship.

🔹 Small, practical steps help rebuild confidence and agency over time.

🔹 Support communities, including virtual ones, can reduce isolation and restore hope.

🔹 Financial confidence grows when people realize they are not alone and have options.

🧠 Tony’s Take

Financial abuse often hides in plain sight. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward reclaiming clarity, safety, and control. Financial readiness means making sure people know they have resources, support, and a path forward before life’s hardest transitions force decisions.

Connect with Sandhya Gopal:

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sandhyagopal/
• Spend It Right Website: https://www.spend-it-right.com

Books:

• Breaking Free: Empower Your Mindset, Master Your Money (Amazon)

Resources mentioned:

• Get Ready Before Life Happens Podcast: Connecting Wealth and Great Health With Chris Heye (here)
• Facebook Support Groups (search for divorce)

Bio: 

Sandhya Gopal is a financial advisor, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, and founder of SpendItRight. After going through her own divorce, she saw how overwhelming financial decision-making can feel when you suddenly have to navigate it on your own - even if you’re otherwise capable and successful.

That experience led her to start teaching financial literacy, where she noticed a clear pattern: many capable women lacked visibility into their finances until life forced them to be involved. Today, she helps women navigate financial transitions with clarity - especially during divorce, where what looks equal on paper is not always equal in reality - and supports them through the rebuilding phase that follows. Her work focuses on helping women understand their numbers so they can make confident, grounded decisions.

☕ Support the Get Ready Movement.

If these conversations help you think differently about money or prepare for life’s what-ifs, your support helps expand financial readiness education and keep this work accessible.

👉 Support (here)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

And if you guys are ready, look more life happen. The podcast helping you navigate life's blood end up. Financial abuse often hides in plain sight. It can shape decisions, limit options, and quietly undermine confidence long before anyone recognizes what is happening. Welcome to Get Ready Before Life Happens. I'm your host, Tony Stewart. Today I'm joined by Sandia Gopel. Sandia, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Thanks, Tony. Appreciate being here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm I appreciate you coming on and sharing, you know, about this topic because I think this is a really important topic that doesn't get enough coverage. So, you know, to start off with, tell us a little bit about yourself. What is your origin story and how did it lead you to helping women navigate financial transitions?

SPEAKER_02 1:01

That's a good question, right? So maybe my origin story, I have to link it back to the finance part of it. My formative years were in India. I grew up in the south of India and I came to the US when I was 18. It was, I came here for my engineering school. So my India, if you know, women don't manage finance in India. That's where that's how I was raised. But I grew up in a family where money was spoken about quite a bit. I landed here when I was 18. A month after I landed here, I got my first job. So I have a paycheck, I have to manage all my money. So that was my introduction into finance, right? Managing budget on 450. And then I when I graduated, I got my first job. And my first paycheck, I opened a taxable brokerage account. I'm like, I'm getting into stock school. So that was my foray into investing. I loved it so much, went back, got my master's in finance. That's all my education fit, right? I'm still investing. And then I got I had kids when I was in school. I started my corporate uh corporate career in oil field services, where they use my engineering and my finance to get into supply chain and planning. So I'm managing, um, I'm looking at multi-billion dollar spend, multi-billion dollar projects, doing it, right? I'm also investing on the side. But 2020 happens and I got divorced. So now I'm early 2020, COVID time. I'm a single mom. I have this whole divorce process I'm going through, and something within me shifted where everything I've been doing, everything I know about finance, I'm not able to make any decisions at this point. It became very emotional. So that's how I got into what I'm doing right now. Because when you go through divorce, when you go through transitions, how much ever you know about finance, your emotions take over. It is a very intricate struggle between finance and emotions. And I was lucky to know finance, but I know many women who go through divorce, they are not in the same position as me.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah, and I think that's something, you know, that you know has come up with other deaths is you know, the importance of women knowing about money is not only because of the potential divorce, and which is a huge issue with the rise of gray divorce, um, especially, but also, you know, because women, there's a high percentage of women who will become widows because women outlive men by seven to eight years. So also if something happens to your husband and your widow, is you also need to learn very quickly how to manage your money. And, you know, so yeah, and as you point out, his emotions can easily take over during a life transition.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Yep. And women don't have enough reps on this, right? If you have never managed money, suddenly putting someone, you're like a kindergartner in a 12th grade high school, right? You don't know what it is to manage money. You have never done this before. So you need multiple reps before you get it right. And it freaks you out.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Yeah. So, you know, I mean, just real quick before we dive into the main thing, is what do you tell women, you know, who are just, you know, they're facing that shock. I'd imagine it's like just plunging into a cold swimming pool, you know, all of a sudden, you know, it's like that shock and you're there. Is what do you tell your clients when they're facing that shock?

SPEAKER_02 4:40

So there is this nuance between women going through divorce versus women going through the death of a spouse, right? So one of the things which I didn't mention earlier is when women go through divorce, too. Divorce typically happens not in a happy, happy relationship, it happens when something has really gone wrong, and then you land up at the divorce court, right? In in that instance, many women realize they don't have any money left. Something has happened during the divorce, the money is gone. They thought they will have this much, but they don't have anything. So that's the first shock. The money shock. Oh, I don't have money. What happened to the money? So that's the first. The second is what am I going to do next? Because they realize they have nothing now, right? If you think think of the spouse who's dealing, uh the woman who's dealing with the death of a spouse, it's a little different. The shock here is the shock that the person doesn't exist anymore, but there is some, there may be money left. The marital house may still belong to them. There may be an insurance policy. The shock of not finding there's no money doesn't exist over here. Unless they two had gone through the same, which the one going through divorce went through where the money is gone and the person dies, they realize they have nothing left. Little, so it's a kind of shock on the money side and the shock on the emotional side and psyched side.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Yeah, and you know, with either one, is you know, I'm sure there's also some grief, even in a divorce, because you're grieving that the relationship is over, and if you have kids, is you know, that adds a whole other thing. Um, so you know, let's switch gears because, you know, I want to make sure we talk about the main topic because I think this is so important, is you know, when we think of abuse, is we often think of it as physical. However, financial abuse is often psychological and invisible. How would you define financial abuse and what are some early signs that people often miss? Because it comes on slowly.

SPEAKER_02 6:43

Yeah, yeah. And I'm so glad you're doing these shows on now, on these podcasts on financial abuse. It's so real and it's so subtle. And people miss it. And you're right. So what happens is say you're married, and this happens, say you're married for a long time. Let's take the gray divorce, for instance. You're married for 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years, you have kids, you have your career, and then one person is managing the money, and the other person hands over the money, let them take care of the money, and they're taking care of the other parts of their life, right? Why does that happen? There's these subtle notions which come out like, let me manage the money, you have too much on your plate. You're not very good with finance. I'm better than not I'm better than you, but you're not good with finance. So let me manage this. It's um, you're not, and I've heard this quite a bit, you don't have attention to detail. I'm pretty good with numbers, I can do this. So that's how the it's initially it's the gaslighting, making the other person think they don't know enough. And I've seen this so much at this point, and that's when the financial abuse starts. Not all men, and I have to put this caveat out there. In engineering school, I study with a lot of guys, and many of them are my real good friends now. So I there are many men who are who don't abuse, but there are some who can take advantage of it. So we've got to put the disclaimer there.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Yeah, and I think that's often something too, is that women feel like they can't handle money as well. Um, but you know, sometimes it it's also odd, is you know, because I'm in financial services, so I naturally handle the money in our household because I have knowledge of investing and everything else. And so it's something, you know, I try to, you know, have a financial report with my wife and, you know, involve her in any decisions. And I think that's where it can get tricky is, you know, if you're a financial planner, and I'm not a financial planner, but I I've worked with financial planners enough. And, you know, I had a finance major, so I know how it works, but it's like, okay, so my partner is not that interested in money or you know, managing money, you know, she's perfectly capable. And so there's also that too, is like, how do, you know, what advice do you give to women? Like, I mean, you know, if they don't want to take the role, but you know, at the same time, they need to have some kind of role.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

I think the way I do it is I always tell them, we don't do it if you're not afraid. We are in a comfort zone, right? I mean, think of women. If you're not in, if you're not done finance or engineering or any of the math-based stuff, you're in a comfort zone and you don't want to do it. But if you tell them there is a possibility that this the partner may be moving money out, you've got to make sure that you're on top of it. The fear of the loss is what can get you out of the comfort zone into the other, right? Like taking action. How can they do it? Because this is not something you're comfortable, as you said. Like if you don't like investing, you don't like investing, right? But maybe monthly, you can look together. It's like, let's look at not the budget, the budget is the most boring part of it. Let's look at a retirement home together, let's plan this vacation together. Let me handle the finances in this vacation. If both partners, if the male partner wants this, I'm using male-female here, the male partner wants the female partner to understand finance, they'll give them these small exercises, projects to build their self-confidence, like financial confidence. It all comes to financial confidence. When you get the think of it, when you start like the first vacation, the goal is to make it in 5k and this person does it in 4, 5, 4,500, they feel good about themselves. I did it, I can do it. It's like training your daughter, that's like training your kids, right? And that's how you can bring the other partner into the conversation. It need not be should I be investing in SP 500 or Nasdaq 100? That is something this person doesn't care about. Make it more tangible, let them build the financial confidence. So one day, if you're gone or something disabled, that's another thing, right? By divorce, disabled, you have dementia. This person has a financial confidence that they can manage the money, they know where the accounts are. And you know, then they can get the advice or the support of an advisor and move forward. That's my approach, Tony.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Yeah, I I love that. And that's a great way to do it, is because, yeah, you're right, is like in my instance, for example, my wife really doesn't care too much about how I diversify our portfolio. You know, that just doesn't interest her. But you know, the bigger picture ideas, you know, are something that she's involved with and she's aware of. I think something you bring up that is really, really important is in case of cognitive decline. I had a guest on Christ A, uh, which uh I'll reference in the show notes for everyone, where he talked about cognitive decline and how when we're cognitive when we're going through cognitive decline is actually we can take become more prone to taking on risk. And so that's a very good reason for people to be aware of what's going on with their partner. And you know, that maybe that does get into uh, you know, the investment allocation. And maybe rather than being concerned with the investments themselves, is like, okay, is a partner making some big moves with the money to look at brokerage statements and say, okay, they moved all of our money out of one fund into another without necessarily knowing what the funds are, but saying, okay, well, why did you do that? Because if that person's in cognitive decline, and we all have cognitive decline after, I think Chris said after the age of 60, you know, we're taking on more risk, which is you would think the opposite would happen as you age. Uh, but so I I you know, I think that's the hard part there.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Yeah. And if and you bring up a good point, right? Because if you can engage your spouse, not for the reason of divorce, right? Let's remove divorce, it's still a taboo in many parts of the society. Let's remove that. But if you can bring that person into conversation saying, like, you know what, I'm at 60, they're gonna hit, we may get into cognitive decline. Or it's gonna happen, and this is the rate it's gonna happen. I want to make sure this money is saved for the kids, it's saved for this goal. We don't lose this money. As I said, women rather be in the comfort zone when it comes to finance. But if you have that fear, you can use the fear in a good way to get them to take proactive action, saying, Yes, I'll make sure. Yes, I'll be in this conversation, I'll make sure that you don't engage so-and-so, so-and-so, who's going to be probably not the best advisor for you? Little things. Just the way you feel it.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

Yeah, and and I love that is just you know, engage your spouse to make sure they are safe. So you're actually doing it as a gift for your spouse by making sure that they understand the role of money and how it impacts them and what's going on with your financial life. So, you know, um, to get back to gaslighting, because I I think it's important, you know, people've heard the term gaslighting and everything. So, what role does gaslighting and shame play in keeping people stuck in financially abusive uh relationships and situations?

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Good question, right? Let's go back to this example we were talking about. These two, the couple. The one cup, one the woman wants to get involved and ask, like, why are you making these decisions? Uh, can we look at this together? If the man comes out and says, You don't have the aptitude to understand this, or you're not put at mat to get it, you don't need to be involved in it. Right there, he's shutting it off. That's where gaslighting comes in. Gaslighting is very subtle. What it does is it makes you self-doubt. So this woman comes in. I'm using man and woman. Typically, it's a woman who's gaslighted when it comes to finance. So I'm using it in a very broad example. But the woman comes, and the woman, the immediate feeling the woman has is maybe he's right, I'm not good enough. So why should I even get involved in this? And she checks out. Little things, the shame part of it. Let's go back to the same example, right? The woman comes in and tells this person, you know what, you wanted to put money here. I don't think it's a good idea. If this person wants to shame her, it's like he can do a little tiny portion of some thick. One of the advice she gives him, he can follow it, and then if it goes wrong, can hold it on her, saying, like, you said this, and that's why this. You see, it's a it's a very strategy thing, right? It's not like a one-time thing, it's not like someone gets angry and screams at you. It's a very strategic way of doing stuff. It's uh it's it's a different kind of manipulation, emotional manipulation, where this person self-doubts and never gets involved in finance again. And let's go back to financial abuse. So, why does it matter? He was speaking about this person, the man you know making the risky decision, right? What happens if this man moves all the money to his family who's elsewhere, not traceable, moves it to a business interest with a friend, all with a long-term vision of divorcing this person and moving elsewhere. You see, it's the same thing, it's the same dynamic. You can use it for different purposes. A nice person will make sure the partner is taken care of. A person who wants to manipulate financially abuse this uh partner will use it for a different purpose.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Yeah, and you know, I think you know, that's a reason to check in and monitor account balances. You know, um, I recommend people have just, you know, every so often family financial meetings and, you know, where you, you know, again, you know, like we talked about is you don't get into the particular investments, but you can look at, let's say, you have a Schwab account. I have a Schwab account, so it's easy to say Schwab account, and you can see if the balances have drastically changed. Um, you know, so the more you can be involved with a conversation, and I think that this is important for financial planners, uh financial planners, uh, both from a client standpoint and from the planner standpoint, is to make sure that both partners are involved. Is, you know, that's something that came up in another conversation, is sometimes, you know, one partner will shut down the other partner or say, oh, they don't really need to be aware of this or they don't need to be part of this discussion. So as a planner, you have to make sure that both partners are at least cognizant of the plan and where things are. So I think that that's also on planners, what you can do to help, you know, your clients out.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

That's true. And for me, I work only with divorcing women or divorced women. So I don't get into the couple dynamics, but so saying I have colleagues who work with couples, and one of the things which I tell them is when one partner says the other person doesn't need to get involved, let's look for offshore accounts, let's look for digital accounts, let's look for all the accounts which are not traceable. Let's look for money flows, which are like money going out but not coming in, huge sums of money which is going where it's not traceable. That's how you know something is happening. And then you can start, it's a red flag, and then you can alert the other partner. Because remember, in a happy family, both couples talk together in an abusive situation, which happens quite a bit. It's quite sad. The couples are not communicating, they don't even have, even if they have a joint account, the joint account may have thousand dollars, individual accounts have a million dollars. It's like in the name of, you know, like just a face thing, the face value, it's just a thousand words in the joint. So that's where the planner becomes important.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yeah, no, that that's a great tip. And you know, something that is easy for planners to monitor. Um, so you know, for someone who feels trapped financially, whether they're in a relationship or a life transition, you know, what is a first step that can help them regain control? What can they do?

SPEAKER_02 20:01

Good one. The first thing is they figuring out they are trapped, right? That's the first awareness is the key. Are you trapped? Yes, I'm trapped. That's key. The second is get they don't have access to cash. So they have to figure out whether they can get a credit card or whether they can have cash. Like two, they have to have a cash source, they have to figure out what the cash source is. That's the second one. The third is going to be have it finding a confidant, a confidant who's just for them. If they're in an abusive situation, not a common friend who can go between the two. Because this confidant becomes their they watch their back. I mean, I have worked with cases where this has become very real, and we got to make sure the confidant is there who can watch their back. So those are the first steps, right? And it's not, and I this is what I tell people, and I also teach these classes where it doesn't happen overnight. You need to have a plan, and the plan is a year, give it time because you got to make steps towards that, right? When you're in an abusive situation, things can go wrong really quickly because the other person on the other side resorts to control, resorts to manipulation, and law is not going to step in until you die or until you're really hurt. And I'm laughing here because that's how the law is. Until the person touches you, law cannot step in. So you've got to make sure you have someone to watch your back. Your plan is not known, and then you go to get to the other side with safety.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I think it's so important that you said that is it's it's and it's a real shame that as a society we don't have resources to help women or, you know, sometimes men who are the subject of abuse, you know, move forward. But you know, as you point out, is there are things you can do, there are resources that are available, like you know, we're talking about where you can sort of at least come up with a plan on your own. But like you said, is the most important thing is, you know, well, one is to have access to your own cash. That's super important because that's that's exactly how somebody maintains control is by cutting off your supply of cash, putting you on an allowance, um, all those warning signs. Um, so we've talked about why it's important for women to be actively involved in finance. So, what are some barriers and how can women begin with feeling overwhelmed? Because you're in this situation and it's all encompassing. You know, what how how do you start to overcome that feeling of overwhelm and move to that spot where you're okay? Like I can do this step by step.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

Yes. So paralysis is the biggest thing over here. You're literally you're paralyzed. You know, you're like deer in the headlights, right? You know you're stuck. You feel stuck, you don't have access to money. So that's where the plan becomes super important. Little steps which you can take to show you that you can do it. Because your mindset is completely in a scarcity mindset. I'm using mindset over here. You're completely in the lag, right? You are like this victim mode, you're stuck, you can't get out. You have to get that, get out of that mode so you can take those little steps and move forward. The second thing, which I always tell women, I find a lot of women who go through school, technical schools, to become, once they become mom, quit the job. For me, the job is your source of money. So you should always have something which you can go back to where you can make money. Maybe the first step after they figuring out could be if they're a stay-at-home mom, finding a source, like source of money, something outside the house. So you they build a network which is outside of the house, so they build their confidence, right? And also you have all of these money stories within you, right? Your self-worth. Especially if you're gone through abuse, you go through a lot of self-self-worth, self-esteem, not good enough. These are the wounds which I see very common when women are stuck because they're being gaslit so much, that's what they believe. So the only way, and I'm smiling over here because the only way you can heal those wounds is to get out of that environment. Because when you're there, you're still gaslit. So they have to figure out a way to get out, and that's where the confidant becomes super important. That person can be the leeway out of that situation. So it's a myriad of stuff. You have money on one side, but it's also this whole the mind thing, you have to get out of it.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Yeah, well, and I think the mind thing is really the thing that you overcome, is because money can, you know, like you said, is having access to money, you know, but at the same time, is if you have family, close friends, there are people who can provide you with a source of money in a lot of situations. And it's so, you know, that's the thing to think about, is that you may have sources of money. But like you said, is like with anything, is having some sense of preparation, you know, having some skills, being confident that you can find another job is because that is a huge part of abuse, is telling you that you're worthless. And that alone is a flag, is if your partner is telling you that you're worthless and that you're useless or whatever, or like you said, you're not good with money, then you know, you start to believe that on some level because you've heard it enough. And that's how these things, that's how psychological manipulation works, is you know, that's how advertising works, is they keep repeating the same message over and over. So you start to believe it.

SPEAKER_02 26:17

Yeah. And there's a difference over here between going back to the first question you had on the physical abuse and the financial abuse, right? Physical abuse, you have bruises. People can see, so they know some person in that couple is a violent person. Financial abuse is psychological abuse, right? It's different. People from outside may think you are a perfect couple, they don't know what's happening inside the house, they are not looking into your bank accounts. If you go and tell them, this person goes and tells them that this, I think this person is doing all of this stuff to me, they can't even comprehend because it's happening behind closed doors. So you don't have support. And that's the one which people when I say that people miss, because when you speak with so many, so many people who are going through it, you realize they don't have a support system which believes in them because they believe in what they see outside and what's happening indoors is different. So finding someone who believes your story is is the first step to getting out. You need the first person who believes you. It could be your family, it could be a sibling, it could be a friend, it could be a neighbor who's not even connected to you, but that one person can help you tell yourself that you're not imagining things, that it's truly happening, and you can get out. It's kind of subtle. And adding on to it, going back to the whole family law, police, and all of that stuff, physical abuse. When you put a domestic violence case, they see evidence, case happens, right? When you have psychological abuse, gaslighting, financial abuse, there's no proof. How do you prove that this is happening? And I think that's where many of them feel stuck.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

Yeah, and that is the hard part, but I love that you know, you you lay out that the step is to find someone who believes in you. And what you're saying is because there are a lot of people who don't believe that these things are real, or they won't believe that it's happening, or they'll say, you know, this person would never do something like this. I'm sure that's said quite often is, you know, like I know Fred, and you know, Fred would never do that. And, you know, so I think that's the tough thing. Um so, you know, one of the things that you and I have talked about is that different cultures have different ways of looking at this. And I think this is important because about a third of the listeners for this podcast are outside the US. So, you know, so very different cultures short island world. So, why is it essential to consider culture when we're talking about money and abuse?

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Beautiful question, Tony. So I grew up in the Indian culture. Many of my friends are from other cultures too, and we live here. So I've done it based on what I have seen and what I'm seeing is when you look at a culture like India, it's very patriarchal. Men and women are not equal. How many, how much other the women can fight, the men and women are not equal. There is this uh the in the society, men are entitled to the women's money. That's why you have the whole dowry system, right? So it's a very that's an entitlement which happens. So abuse, it's not really abuse because the men are entitled to your money, period. Right? It's a very different thing. Now, in the US, when you look at it, and this comes up when you have cross-border divorces, right? In the US, divorce is 50-50. Man and woman in law are equal, so they get equal share. But in a when you look at a society like India, it's not really equal. It's slowly getting there, but it's not there. And I've spoken with uh friends from Latin America, the culture is very similar. So it's there is a cultural nuance about how men and women are treated in the society, and that goes back to the financial abuse, whether it's really financial abuse or whether it's just the way the society works.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

Yeah, so what advice would you give a woman who's in one of these societies? We'll take the Indian society, for example, you know, where the woman doesn't have those same rights.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

India is a difficult place, Tony. And it kind of I get, I say stuff which I know I left India. It's been more than 30 years since I left India. So it's a very different place now than where what it was when I grew up. So a woman who's trying to leave a marriage in India, what she can expect is different from what a woman in the US can expect. You have to understand that bit. So the second for the second one is how is she going to be financially independent in a country like India? That's the second one, right? Who's going to support her? It's not like how it is over here where I can go and I can work, I'll have a job, I can still be a single mom and I'm going to be okay. In a country like India, it's not really as easy. US has made it a lot more easy. So there has to be, she has to figure out who's going to be the financial support and who's going to be there to help her raise if she has children. But the first thing, and I keep going back first and second, before then, the self-awareness, right? Are you being abused? That's the first question. What does abuse mean? Right? Am I having access to the money which I'm making? Like there are a lot of little things. And if you become aware to the abuse, what are you going to do about it? Are you okay still being in that marriage even though you're abused? Is that okay? Because the society is so different in India compared to the US. And that's why what works here may not work there.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

Yeah, and that's something, and you know, for some of the people who are listening, I know there are some countries where women may not even be able to leave the marriage. Um, and so that's something is do you have any advice for a woman who is stuck in marriage? I I don't know if there is anything we can say that that's helpful except to know that you're not in it alone.

SPEAKER_02 32:47

And this is some day so people like I have a lot of friends who are stuck in marriages which they can't get on. Are they abused? Yes. Do they know they are abused? Yes. Are they going to get on? No. Because you make a decision as a person, as a human, you make the decision whether you want to be in a marriage where you're abused and you're okay with it because it gives you other comforts, maybe a social status, some other comforts. If you're okay with it, you're going to stay in. Right? It's a this it's an individual decision at that point. But if you're in a marriage which you don't want to be in, and you because of this abuse and you feel you need to be treated better than that, then you have to figure out whether that society around you is going to support you. Let's stay. I'm not going to even name countries here, right? But there are countries where you can't do it. The only option for that woman is going to leave the country. And we have seen women who leave those countries and become refugees and be in another country, right? But being an immigrant in a new country has its own issues. Like you have to build your reputation in that country, right? You have it's it's a lot harder than probably staying in this abusive marriage. So it's a decision point, which is more important for women.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Yeah. And so, you know, just you know, for people watching and listening, if this is you and you recognize yourself in this conversation or you have a friend or family member, is you know, just I guess the only thing we can say is to support that person or you know, or yourself as much as you possibly can. And you, you know, because it is sort of a nuclear option to leave the country, but at the same time, you only have one life. And so, you know, I you know, I wouldn't urge anybody to, you know, leave a country, but to think about, you know, what is going to make you live your best life, if possible.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

So and it's that's what it comes to after. It's like taking responsibility for your own self, right? If you're happy, you're happy in that marriage. Because I can say you're an abusive marriage, but if you think you're not abused, you're not abused. It's how you feel when you're within it. But if you feel abused, then there are resources outside. And one of the things which I've found the last few years is Facebook groups. I did not realize the number of Facebook groups that were out there because not everybody has access to going to a woman's shelter. There are plenty in Houston, but they don't have access. So the Facebook groups, there's virtual support. I'm like, these groups, like every day, there are like 50 women who are asking these questions, there are 100 more women who are actually answering them. So you that's the that may be the community support these women can get if they can't get out of these marriages of the country. There's a key support, you're not alone. I think that's the key thing. You're not alone. There are others who are going through it too. It's just people are not speaking about it because of the shame associated with it. Maybe if you normalize the shame, the pain may not be as much or the grief as may not be as much, right? Because it's others are going through it and they're going to go through it together.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Yeah, that's that's so good to know. Is that there are these virtual communities? Would you mind um sharing the names of some of these communities for the show notes?

SPEAKER_02 36:24

I can uh share. I need to look up the exact name of these uh groups and I'll share that information with you.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Okay, so for people watching and listening, is you'll be able to find those links in the show notes. So I hope that if you are going through the situation that that will provide you some small comfort to know that you're not alone and at least have a place where you can get some emotional relief, I guess is a good way to say it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

It's it's it's camaraderie, right? It's like I'm trying to find the right words. It's like when you are in a war, at least you have others around you who are going through the same thing which you're going through. And abuse is very similar, right? You can't, it's not there are others who are going through it, but in their own way. At least you have a camaraderie, you have a collective support, virtual support. And you know you're not alone. I think that's where it keeps coming back to. You're not alone.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

Yeah, I I think that is so important is to recognize that you're not alone and that, you know, if you are in one of these situations where your society is not going to allow you to believe it, just know that you're not alone and that you can at least get some online support and you know, you know, do the best you can and be gentle on yourself. Is sometimes you can only do what you can do. And so you have to unfortunately make the best of a bad situation. Um, but that that I think that's something, at least, Sandia, would you agree to know that you're not alone? Is at least that's something.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

Yeah, I think if I think COVID has taught us this quite a bit, right? You felt very alone, it kind of causes a lot more anxiety within you because you don't have a community around you. Your community may not be in the city where you're in, in the family in which you belong, but your community can be an online community where others are going through it. When you realize you're not alone, you have a lot more strength because you have someone else who's gone this path before you and can tell you what you can do to get out of the situation. So there is hope. It's not hopeless. And the last thing they want is people to go, women to go through this, commit suicide. Back in India, I've seen a lot of these suicides which happened, right? You have a lot of abuse cases, dowry abuse cases, women getting killed because of it, right? At least they know they're not there. There are people who have gone through it who have not killed themselves. So they have support, they have knowledge, guidance coming their way.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Yeah, I think hope is the most important thing in these situations is to have hope and uh support. And I would imagine it for any community or any society, there is some way to get some at least emotional support and rays of hope as best possible. So uh, you know, I want to thank everybody for watching and listening through this. This has been a challenging conversation. I hope that it helped you if you're in this situation, or that it helps you recognize this maybe in your clients' uh lives or your family members. So uh it's been a powerful conversation. So, you know, Sandia, to wrap up, you know, I want to switch gears, is I have what's called the get ready hot take trio. This is a little bit different. Um, but these are three quick questions I ask all of my guests. The first one is what's one myth about money or power or you know, relationships that you're trying to break?

SPEAKER_02 40:22

Learning how to make money decisions during uncertainty is a skill. Just I knew all about savings and investing and all of that stuff. But when it came to divorce, I was dear in the headlines, right? I did not know. So the skill of making money decisions in emotional situations is worth it. It's a skill to have. And that's the myth I want to break because you can make those decisions, but you got to bring the money part of it, the numbers part of it, and then you make the emotional decisions.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

Yeah, that that's really it, is to get ready before life happens, which happens to be the name of this podcast. That's the whole mission of what I'm doing is you know, exactly that is because you have to know these things and learn before you need them. You know, that's the whole point of being ready. Um, so let's get out of the time machine for a minute. If you could go back in time, knowing what you know now about money and being prepared, what advice would you give your younger self?

SPEAKER_02 41:31

Good question, Tony. For me, it would be discernment. It's not money, but it's the discernment. How do I discern what's good and what's bad? How do I discern to believe this person versus that person? That is one thing which I wish I had known a lot earlier in life, I would have made a lot better decisions. The second one would be because I grew up in a country where men and women were not equal, I had a glass ceiling all the time. I would love to be the hedge fund manager because I think I have all the skills to be one. I love stocks, I trade all the time, but that was a vision I never had because I was not allowed as a woman to manage money. If I could go back, I would have dreamt of being one and made sure I became one. So for me, that's the and many women have that, right? You have these blocks saying you're not good enough, you can't do it, so you don't dream big.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

Yeah, I I I love that is to believe that you can do it. And that is the hardest thing, is you know, if society tells you that you can't do something, but that's how great things and great people achieve things, is that they believe that they can do that. So you have to check your inner story and say, is this real? Or like you said, is it you have the skills, you have the knowledge, you know, uh, so you could do it, but that's okay. You know, if you haven't done it yet, today is a day where you can say, I can do it and I'm gonna do it. And you know, a lot of people, especially women, I think that's one of the things that happens with grade divorce, is a lot of women reach a point in their lives where they say, okay, I want to do this, I want to follow my dream, and this is holding me back. And, you know, so I think it's never too late to follow your dreams.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

I agree. And that's why I'm on this scary part, Tony. It's a Gary Up pivot for me, and I I love it.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

Yeah, so no, you're doing great work, and we'll wrap up with that. But before we wrap up, I have one last question for you. What's your number one tip to change the way we think about money and I guess life transitions?

SPEAKER_02 43:57

Money is more emotional than what you and I think of. So the role of behavioral finance is super important. Like, think about the mindset I just mentioned to you. I had a scarcity mindset in my 20s, I didn't become a hedge fund manager. I had to shift the mindset today. I believe I can be one, and I'm gonna work towards it. So the connection between money and mindset are a lot closer than we believe they are.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Yeah. And I love that. I was just making a note, is because that's come up so much on this podcast is making that switch from a scarcity mindset, which I think does keep people trapped in relationships, is it gets back to the whole gaslighting things, is you know, it keeps you in that scarcity mindset where you don't dream big and you don't believe in yourself. And I I would say that's probably one of the biggest things for me that I've heard from guests like you is just to believe. Yes. And as you mentioned, have hope. So, Sandia, where can people learn more about you and your work?

SPEAKER_02 45:05

So I'm a fee-only financial advisor. I run a company called Spend It Right. So they can find me on Spend It Right, my website. I'm also very active on LinkedIn. I post educational content there, and it's basically on finance. So if they want to learn more about finance, I've catered more to the women so they can follow me on LinkedIn. It's uh my handle is Sandya Bopal. They can find me on it. Right now, these are the two places where I'm very active.

SPEAKER_00 45:34

Fantastic. And for everybody watching and listening, as always, there will be links to Sandia's website and LinkedIn profile in the show notes. So if you have access to the show notes, you can go there to find the links. Sandia, thank you so much for sharing your time and insights.

SPEAKER_02 45:49

Thank you, Tony. I appreciate it. Appreciate all the work you're doing. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 45:54

I'm honored to have you on and have you share your insights with us. And thank you, everyone, as always, for tuning into this episode of Get Ready Before Life Happens. If you learned something today to help you or to help someone else, please be sure to subscribe and to share with a friend. You can go to my website at Tony Stewart.com to join the Get Ready Movement to get access to my newsletter. And if you want to support the podcast, you can now do so at buymeacoffee.com slash Tony Stewart. Because when life happens, the way we think about money matters, you can see that.